This blog speaks about multiple miscarriages and my experience with them. I will be providing details that may make some feel uncomfortable. Please read at your own regard.
I’m apart of a small percentage of women – 2% to be exact. Its not really a group I’m excited to be apart of, but don’t have a choice in the matter. I’m apart of 2% of women who have had two miscarriages back to back.
Never, in a million years did I think I would be here.
Yet here I am.
When I first discovered I was pregnant for the 3rd time, I was ecstatic! I was actually quite surprised that I was consumed mainly with excitement rather than fear. I instantly went out and bought a little snuggly for our new baby on the way. As time kept creeping on and we were leading up to an Easter weekend getaway, I started to feel the anxiety creep in slowly.
Things felt… well, they felt too familiar.
Last July when we discovered I was pregnant for the second time, we had a vacation planned with our same family members. I later discovered it was during that weekend away that the viability of this pregnancy was dying. So coming up to another vacation with the same people at the same number of weeks pregnant felt very triggering to the trauma of the first miscarriage.
After that weekend away, with no signs of a miscarriage in sight, only food aversions, nausea and a more “full” looking chest, I was starting to gain a lot of confidence with this pregnancy.
I knew, no matter what the first ultrasound was going to be hard for me. My husband isn’t allowed in the room until after they’ve gotten all the information – when there’s nothing good to report they ask you to get dressed and wait for your partner. I knew how this all went, both when you have a healthy viable pregnancy and when you don’t.
Unfortunately my anxiety was only further validated when the appointment went exactly the same as our second pregnancy. Down to being in the exact same imaging room. I started crying right there on the bed the second she asked to do an internal imaging test.
We were told we weren’t as far along as we all thought and I’d have to come back in two weeks. When I was asked during our second pregnancy to come back two weeks later I didn’t think anything of it. But this time I knew.
The waiting game
I started counting out the days on my cycle tracking app –
When did we have sex?
When did I take the pregnancy test?
When do I typically ovualte in my cycle?
What are my chances here!?!?
I was tearing myself into two halves. One that believed there was a chance, and the other that had been here before and just needed it to end one way or another.
Going through this the second time really opened my eyes to how traumatizing we’ve made this experience for women. We operate in an reactive state rather than a proactive. Although there is not much that can be done when the pregnancy is in such an early stage, going through two weeks of tests and ultrasounds, completely unsure of what it all means was torture. I feel this can be easily avoided if we track pregnancy in the first 12 weeks above the one ultrasound. Things like testing our HCG to ensure its increasing the way it should would help give a lot more information so we can respond in a way that more respective and efficient for the parents.
I started preparing myself for the worst. Deciding I can’t keep going up and down. I can’t believe everything is okay, because if its not that will tear me apart. After speaking to an acquaintance from high school who was also going through her second miscarriage in a row. I decided, if possible, I wanted to go for the D&C this time.
When I reflect back to taking Misoprostol, the first thought that comes to my mind is “Never again!!” That was truly the single most painful, physically and emotionally life event I have gone through to date. I remember wanting to pass out from the pain. Begging god or the universe or my body to just tap out by passing out. I remember feeling the sac slip between my legs out into the toilet. Seeing it drop into the bloody water. It was such a heartbreaking moment to watch what should have been my baby, get flushed away. It was too much for me to go through. Because of that, I felt a D&C would be the better option.
I’m not sure if I will be able to get a D&C though. As of Sunday I started bleeding and I haven’t even spoken to the OB yet, let alone get my surgery scheduled.
I truly believe there are lessons in everything.
I am here to experience this life, in all its glory and devastation.
What I have really come to learn over these past couple years is this —
As much as we have control of our daily lives, we are completely out of control of some of our most major life events. I see now more than ever the importance of stepping into the flow of life rather than trying to micromanage it. Every time I have tried to micromanage life I seem to get reminded that life happens while you’re making plans.
We hadn’t planned to have Huntly when we did – we had dreams of travelling to Japan and New Zealand and maybe Europe again. We wanted to get more grounded in our career and life choices. Yet, we were blessed with the surprise of our baby boy. In trying to conceive our second, planning for there to be a small age gap. Planning and planning and planning, thinking it would be easy because we didn’t even try with Huntly; I’m yet again reminded, its not up to me. Its taken longer than I ever would have thought. Its been more tragic than I ever could have imagined. And even each small thing I have tried to plan, like wanting a D&C, I’m reminded, my body will ultimately make that final decision. I am here to experience it all. The good, the bad, the beautiful, the ugly and everything in between.
Its been really hard for me to open up about this. I think, because I know there’s nothing anyone can do or say to take the pain away. So I often just sit in my thoughts about it all. Work to find my own understanding and peace with it.