2% ➡️ 1%

As time goes on I seem to be getting more and more rare.

Its Wednesday, January 4th and I’m currently going through my 3rd pregnancy loss. Although, this time it happened even earlier, making it a chemical pregnancy. My husband and I have gone from 2% into a new category of this only happens to 1% of couples. Rare.

I’m a spiritual person. I believe in science for as far as science can take me (which is pretty damn far) and then I accept there’s so much of life that we don’t know and won’t ever know. At least not while we’re living this life on earth. How does this connect? Well, this time around I’m pissed off. Maybe its part of my grieving process…it probably is, but I also have reasons to be.

My Story & My Signs

You see, I knew it was coming. Something told me back in the summer that I wouldn’t get pregnant again until after our vacation. I felt like it was a decision I had made and so it would be. My husband and I were still choosing to not prevent. But I just let go of tracking my cycle and ovulation and all that. By the time my period in November ended, I started getting an incredible amount of signs that I was about to get pregnant. From a friend giving me a necklace of a mom holding a baby. To my dad insisting he thinks I’m pregnant because I have a glow he can see. My son randomly starting to call what we have always planned to be the nursery, “the baby’s room”; and insisting in playing in there, when he’s never paid it any attention before. To my husband also receiving signs. I received 6 pregnancy announcements in 2 weeks. SIX!

As my cycle neared towards my period I started to recognize all the symptoms. Sensitive nipples, enlarged breasts, constipation (I really do always share it all, don’t I?), my skin wasn’t breaking out like it does before I get my period. I just knew. I wasn’t supposed to get my period until December 27 but knew by Christmas it was close enough and what a gift that would be. So I took a test, and low and behold, it was faint, but a second line was there.

 

Only problem, I took this test thinking I was going to be excited and want to surprise my husband with the best Christmas gift we could ask for. But found myself sad, scared and in disbelief. I found myself unable to actually speak it out loud. So I sat on the news for 2 days. On December 27 I took another pregnancy test and saw a line a little darker than the last so I told my husband. I made 3 appointments to get my HCG tested as I still had a standing order card from my last miscarriage. After the second blood test came back my fear and anxiety really started to ramp up. My HCG levels didn’t double. I tried not to worry but the nausea I had been feeling was turning into mild cramps and lower back pain (a classic symptom for me that my period is coming), my nipples becoming less sensitive and breasts feeling less full.

The Turning Point

On January 3rd I took a pregnancy test hoping to see that second line appear instant and dark. But after 15 minutes, it was there if you were looking with a magnifying glass in bright light, but had completely faded. I didn’t need a blood test to tell me my HCG was lowering at this point and I was going to have a chemical pregnancy. As I’m sitting here writing this, a day later, I have started to bleed.

 

I started off this story saying I’m pissed. I’m pissed because I don’t understand why the universe felt the need to ensure I knew I was pregnant. It seemed as though I couldn’t go a single day without encountering a sign, and I promise you I wasn’t looking. My husband and I had already talked about how we were unsure we even wanted to move forward with expanding our family. How we are happy as a family of 3. It felt like I was supposed to know I was pregnant just to go through this experience again. And I don’t understand why.

I’m really feeling sorry for myself. And I think we’re allowed to sometimes, the key is to not get stuck there. So while I’m feeling sorry for myself I’m also actively ensuring I’m staying on track. Resting but not sinking. I cannot allow this part of my journey, this experience to dictate my goals and dreams.

 

Surprising Feels

Lying in my bed, dehydrated from crying for an hour straight yesterday, I started to feel this sense of relief wash over me. I had been carrying the weight of fear, heavy on my shoulders for the week or so I was pregnant. I don’t know if it was my anxiety and trauma from pervious losses or an intuitive knowing, but pregnancy loss was all I could think about. So when I finally had confirmation, it felt like I didn’t have to carry that weight anymore, and it was relieving.

Today I woke up in that place of, I can be sad, I will feel my feels but its also motivated me. I feel like I’m being tested time and time again (and right as I was typing this very thought an email came through, its spam but it said my full name and then the word “confirmation”, tell me that’s not a sign, I dare you!), continuously being kicked around and pushed down and I’m so tired of it. Its like I got something to prove to my spirit guides or the universe now; “Like stop fucking with me! I’ll show you it can’t stop me!”

What Now?

I know the thought of “what now?” popping into my head and getting comfortable for a long stay is anxiety. But I’d be lying to you if I wasn’t thinking what you’re all thinking. Will we continue? What now? Whats going on? I wish I had answers to all of those questions, but truthfully, I don’t. You get to a point where you can’t help but ask yourself, how many times? How many times will it take before I/we’ve had enough? How many losses do you put yourself through before you stop? Its extremely hard both emotionally and physically. In 4 years I’ve been pregnant 4 times! No matter the length the pregnancy was, the trauma, the extreme hormone fluctuation, the hope, the disappointment, it’s miserable to go through. Not 100% of the time, but it really does take the fun out of it all. Something that’s always portrayed in our society and media as “its easy & fun!” isn’t the reality for so many people.

Yet despite all of that, I still some how feel its all going to work out. Can you see how all over the place and wishy washy I am? Its so complex and confusing.